The Scandals of Arthurian Politics
by Jaulli Bass
Summary: A series of politically themed and affiliated short stories, very sarcastic, very saucy, lots of the King Arthur amigos. Rated for 'political' content, you freaks scare me...Review! Opinions welcome. Finished.
1. When Arthur met George

In lieu of the upcoming and ever so anticipated Republican Convention, I have revamped the King Arthur story. What if in the war (the one at the end of the movie duh) the leader of the Saxons was Bush. Arthur and his knights have a few harsh words for this 'very popular' leader.

(Words aren't like the movie, its just the plot line.)

Warning: Not suggested for Republican voters

This is really a joke. Don't take it too seriously, it just pokes a teeny-weeny bit of fun at American Politics. But, if you hate me for it I understand :D, at least its being read.

By the way I don't own any of these characters; Bush (you know which one although I could mean a different one...., Arthur (from the movie not history), Merlin (the one and only), Galahad, Michael Moore etc, Everyone, John Kerry, Hollywood, LOTR, aaaaaand sports fans from all over the world (I am one of you, I don't own you)!!! That's it now read.

At the Tall Gates in Britain (the one with the big wall made of stone, yep THAT one).

Bush: Surrender now or else we will never ever ever again trade with you for your tartan kilts, blue face paint, fish and chips, or oil again!

Arthur: We are Britain! We made you who you are! You used to recognize our queen's birthday!

Merlin: And I predict that you will waste our tea so we will never surrender! Muahaha.

(none gets it)

Bush: Yeah well my army is bigger than yours! So there.

Arthur: Well you have bad social services! Take that!

B: We're right wing knuckle head! More guns more military the better! I mean more swords and shields the better!

A: You have no reason to invade us! Go home!

B: Sure I do! You're a threat to us! See you're about to attack us with your really dangerous (and dull) blades!

A: That's not fair!!

B: Catch twenty-two! Ha!

A: What the bloody hell is that??

B: I plead the fifth. It wouldn't be fair if I told him our civilization was so many centuries ahead of them, we'll just tell them that theirs is wrong.

A: Right then. We are the people of this land. Our blood has made it what it is today.

B: Tell that to the Native Americans.

A: Fine! Maybe I just will!

Everyone: Gasp!

Bush: That's it! Troops from Ghetto A, forward march!

Arthur: Fight us yourself! You rich f!

Bush: Well I can afford to have other people fight for me!

Michael Moore: I got that on film President Bush. Thanks a bunch. Now can you look at the camera this time and say it again? Oh and smile too, you have nice teeth.

Galahad: Eeeeeeeeew they're gay!

Everyone: Gasp.

(Galahad runs away screaming like a baby.)

Arthur: Enough! Now we fight! Let us present the blue barbarians of Britain with their flame throwers.

Bush: I present the elite directors of Hollywood (who now are non-red thanks to the Cold War) and the special effects crew of the Lord of the Rings!

Referee: Let the games begin!

The fans eat popcorn but then after halftime they start fighting.

The American Hockey Fans vs. The British Football Fans (and by football I mean soccer)

In the end there is no clear winners since the winners destroyed stuff cause the won and the losers because they lost.

The only survivers was Arthur, and most of his army. The only remains of the opposition was a hobbit foot hear and there.

Arthur grins, and all of a sudden, once the cameras have stopped running, John Kerry pulls off a King Arthur mask, as do the rest of the Democrats. From their back pockets they pull out picket signs to mark their territory.

Kerry: I knew Florida would be a tough fight but we came prepared this time! This is my very, no extremely distant relative and financial partner, without his 'moral' support I would never have won (he said as he slapped the guy who had previously worn the Lancelot mask on the back)! Now back to that oil...


	2. Arthur, King of Quebec?

Woohoo! This was supposed to be a one-shot at political humor, but due to its recent success... my idea of success is more than 1 review, which I have happily surpassed threefold... I am going to write another short battle, this time to do with Canadian politics. I'm American/Canadian so I follow both... well I have 7 years of learning about Canadian native Americans and the damn French, I mean Quebecois (the language is similar and that's about it) to thank for half of that, and on the other hand a credit of American History, but my teacher went on paternity leave before December so the rest of the year didn't really matter.... Anyways....

What if King Arthur was the leader or premier whatever of Quebec, and the evil Roman Empire Emperor was the leader of the rest of Canada... just suppose they got elected... and now they will fight over whether or not Quebec should become its own country!! Haha the irony is that this issue will be fought over in the future, but I'm using ancient characters... you know the saying that history repeats itself!!

This is when Arthur is arguing with that Roman Religious guy, well they don't actually argue, but they probably did before they agreed so, and Arthur wants Britain to 'officially' separate from Britain.

At the round table:

King Arthur The Premier of Quebec: We don't want to be part of your country anymore! You bully us! (Sticks out tongue)

Religious guy of Rome Representing the Rest of the country: Well we don't want you! The fact that you actually have a legal drinking age means that all the rich people who want a 'nice' place to raise their kids go there! We don't like Suburbia!!

KAT: I take offense to that! How many people do you know who wear blue face faint? Beside the Toronto Maple Leaf fans, they stole our color! Our blue and white fleur-de-lis flag has been disgraced by their blatant disrespect for our culture!

RRRR: Wow that's quite a mouthful... could you repeat that in English?

KAT: That's exactly la probleme! You Anglos do not understand our language our respect our language laws, you are on our land! Your type has to be half the size of our words, and it has to come second! It's the law. I and my Pepsi knights insure that. Vive la liberte!

RRRR: Fine go away! We don't want your hydro electricity nor your bad weather!

KAT: Good we don't want to give it to you! But without it your economy greatly suffers!

RRRR: Yeah right whatever. We give you so much money, while the other colonies (provinces) are starving. You are greedy, you and your barbarians who attack us every time we come to go skiing! And besides if you don't give us energy, then we won't let you use our currency or postal service!

KAT: Oh medre! Fine fine we'll still trade in electricity and we'll throw in maple syrup too!

RRRR: That's better and we still want to use your ski hills!

KAT: We'll only let in people who speak French though. Say non to les Canadiens!

RRRR: Well before we sign the papers that let you go, we vote, in a referendum, with two recounts, that we will first send you on one last quest! We will send you and your party on a quest to France to retrieve your true language because we do not want to give us our second language (as Canada is a bilingual country which has nothing whatsoever to do with Britain...) which is Frenglish (the half French half English way of speaking when you forget the proper words and grammar for either language).

KAT: Grumble grumble tavernaque! Ok ok we go, but we're not happy about it. If you do not let us go after that, we will kill you! We have a very violent history, just ask the Americans.

I understand that it has relatively nothing to do with King Arthur, but I just thought that the events and circumstances were similar and therefore interchangeable!!!... and incomprehensible to most of you... Well then enjoy!

I can explain whatever you don't get. Most of he French is swearing so I won't actually translate that. And since no one will get the "Pepsi knights", its because it is slang for French Canadians, who were reputed to drink Pepsi-Cola for breakfast. An eclectic bunch eh? Lol.

For jokes from Barney's Version by Mordecai Richler:

CANADA IS –

a dictator ship

a post-colonial democracy of limited culture

a theocracy

(The answer will be posted as the next chapter. Take a guess. :D)


	3. Answer to the dailydouble

Question:

CANADA IS –

a dictatorship

a post-colonial democracy of limited culture

a theocracy

Answer:

None of the above answers apply. The truth is Canada is a cloud-cuckoo-land, an insufferably rich country governed by idiots, its self made problems offering comic relief to the ills of the real world out there, where famine and racial strife and vandals in office are the unhappy rule.

I actually do like Canada quite a bit. It's a nice place if you overlook the freezing cold winters and lack of anything not from another country i.e. Britain. I do live here... not saying where cause there are nut cases out there... so its all good. Someone mentioned that we don't randomly blow stuff up... but that would be because of our lack thereof a military. Its quite pathetic. We're a bunch of bleeding hearts. I think we protested in the cold war against nuclear warheads from the US, cause I guess the Russians didn't seem quite that scary... James Bond came out of Hollywood, meaning it took ages before it read Canada. Haha. I love the fact that the Marxist/Calvinist party ran. We also have a large support for the Green Party and the Marijuana Party!!!


	4. Cheater McCheat

And I'm back to American politics... so much easier than Canadian... which is like omg the USA can make us do whatever they want... eek! So this next segment's obviously about the Clinton Legacy. Good job Bill look what you've done, now Hilary's getting into politics. Better make sure she doesn't get into anything else. OOO zing! Anything else like her secretaries pants! That was low... lol pardon the pun there!

Jauli Bass: Guinevere and Arthur, the perfect couple, beautiful wedding, beautiful people, beautiful life. My guess is that it wasn't enough for Guinevere to be queen, to have Arthur, his loyalty, his love, his respect, no she wanted more. She wanted Lancelot. This is Jauli Bass for NTV, and tonight's story is the Round Table Ruckus. We now go to my correspondent at the Round Table, Camelot.

Correspondent #1: Hello, I am Correspondent #1, live from the Round Table, Camelot. Any minute now, the Knights of the Round Table will be addressed first by Queen Guinevere, then by Sir Lancelot, and lastly by King Arturius himself. The conference is about to begin, lets take a look.

Sir Bors: Presenting Queen Guinevere of Britain.

Queen Guinevere enters and sits at the 'head' of the table.

Sir Gawain: Now Queen Guinevere, did you have sex with Sir Lancelot?

Queen Guinevere: No I did not have sex with that man.

Sir Gawain: Ok. Thank-you for your time then.

Sir Galahad: But was it worth it?

Sir Dagonet: Galahad shut-up!

Sir Bors: Presenting Sir Lancelot of the Knights of the Round Table of King Arthur of Britain.

Sir Gawain: Sir Lancelot, did you have sex with Queen Guinevere?

Sir Lancelot: I did indeed!

Sir Gawain: What exactly happened?

Sir Lancelot: Well she came to me the knight before the battle of Hadrian's Wall. She was wearing one of those low cut dresses and it was hanging off her shoulder. I believe that we did it for the good of the country!

Sir Galahad: You mean she didn't want you to die a virgin?

Sir Dagonet: Galahad shut-up!

Sir Bors: Prensenting King Arturius of Britain.

King Arturius enters and sits next to Queen Guinevere, on the side not already occupied by Sir Lancelot.

Sir Gawain: Welcome King Arturius.

King Arturius: Thank-you but you can call me Arthur.

Sir Gawain: Ok then, thank-you for coming out today Arthur. I'm sure this has been very hard on you.

Arthur: Yes of course it has. It is quite a blow to Guinevere's and my relationship, but I stand beside her testimony.

Sir Gawain: What about all the eyewitnesses who said that they saw Guinevere and Lancelot together? Their attraction to each other is undeniable.

Arthur blushes.

Arthur: She said that she did not have "sex" with him.

Sir Galahad: Ooooh I get it now. (winks)

Sir Dagonet: Galahad shut-up!

Sir Gawain: Queen Guinevere do you have anything to say to King Arturius, I mean Arthur?

Queen Guinevere stands up.

Queen Guinevere: Yes I do!

Queen Guinevere stares right at the reporters and Arthur coughs 'inconspicuosly'.

Sir Gawain: Well then?

Queen Guinevere: Arthur (still looking at reporters), I have been here for you since you were made king. My heart belongs to you and only you. You must believe that I will stand by your career forevere! I will become the stay-at-home parent, and you can have the political career for amends! Oh Arthur I love you!

Queen Guinevere starts crying and poses at the videocameras.

Sir Galahad: You skanky hoe! You screwed his best friend!

Sir Dagonet: Galahad shut-up!

Sir Gawain: Arthur you may now address all those ate the round table, and those uh in the room too if you want.

Sir Arthur: Thank-you Guinevere, I love you too. I sincerely hope that this will show the people that I too am human and not just a living legend! I also hope that this event will help to forward my political career! I will open the first ever center for marital relationships, naming it the King and Queen's Society, to help other couples with communication problems such as this and donate money to the television show 'Cheaters'. To Sir Lancelot, I forgive you and I give you the King's ribbon of honor for your fighting in the war, however I will have to let you go.

Arthur smiles at cameras as he presents Lancelot with the tin foil piece of crap that he just made now from part of the table.

Sir Galahad: But he just slept with your wife! Your very hot wife! Off with his head!

Sir Dagonet: Galahad shut-up!

Sir Gawain: Ok theeeen. We will let our representative of the Round Table make his speech now. Presenting Sir Tristan, representative of all the King's horses and all the King's men.

Sir Tristan: (Shrugs) Dude she's hot. (Grins)

Sir Gawain: Thank-you (raises one eyebrow). And that concludes this trial.

Correspondent #1: Well now you've seen it folks! Remember you saw it first and only on NTV! I'm Correspondent #1 at Hadrian's Wall; now back to our anchor, Jauli Bass.

Jauli Bass: Hello! If you just missed our program for the last five minutes, here's a recap! Lancelot is the Monica Lewinski of the time of King Arthur! And Queen Guinevere tells the round table that she "did not have sex with that man." We'll be back in half an hour with any updates on the situation. We will be back after this short commercial break.

Okay! So that was my kick on the Clinton Sex Scandal! Ooo good fun.


	5. Arthur Sat Down and Came Up With The SAT

Arthur Implement Standardized Testing for the men in his army... A Disaster Just Waiting to Happen (Please be forewarned of sexual allusions, and sarcastic humor)

Arthur muses to himself about the difficulties of being king, and leader of the army....

Arthur: I hate interviewing all the candidates for the army. Its soooooooooo annoying. I have to talk to all these silly girls who want to join up and have to figure out that they're female so I can tell them no, and to go home to the kitchen. Some of them actually have good costumes.... Like the bearded lady from the traveling carnival... ah I love those carnivals. I really like the cotton candy. WELL anyways, it would be so much easier if they could fill out a form beforehand and then I could just talk to the ones who do well enough and pass the criteria. Besides, my ass hurts from sitting all day.

Arthur decides to write up the first of many... Standardized Acheivement Tests! Among such sections which were included were: strategy, courageousness, sex, accomplishments, fighting skills, personal appearance, and preference of face paint colors. The writers of said test would then get points for questions with 'ideal' answers.

Lets see how some (some as in one) of the men fared on this jolly good test:

Tristan's Test

How long would it take ye to gallop from a lookout 5 miles south of your enemy, if ye were to travel around them in a circle so as to set up your troops to attack the flank? (Assume that your magnificent steed gallops at 5 miles/hour.)

Answer: It would take 1.5707963267948966192313216919398 hours.

Rank your courageousness on a scale of 1 to 10. 10 for the bravest of all men! And 1 if you are a sissy whoms mother put them up to this.

Answer: This is dumb. (This is a great example of bravery!)

Are you male or female? (Please select only one.)

Answer: I am a male. (Please note the perfect old English exemplified in all of his answers.)

Male or Female? (Please list in order of preference.)

Answer: I am most certainly not gay. I am not happy either. 1. Female

-25. Male

I have fought with (blank), in (blank) War, and (a) won, b) lost, c) tied).

Directions: Please fill in the blanks. The blanks are represented as (blank). Please select only one of a, b, or c, to fill in the last blank represented by ( ).

Answer: I have fought with King Arthur and his amigos, in all the same wars as him and his amigos, and a).

What is your weapon of choice?

Sword

Bow and Arrow

Hand to Hand Combat

Other

(If you picked a) Sword, please specify of what specific type. If your sword (of whatever type) has a name, please include at the end of your answer.)

(If you picked d) Other, please specify the nature of this weapon / talent. Please note that "Words" do not fall into the category of weaponry.

Answer: b) the Big Hawk

Please rank your personal appearance on a scale of 1 to 10. 10 for the absolute hottest in ye ole' kingdom, and 1 for fat, ugly, and pimply. (Please no decimals or fractions.)

Answer: 9.5 Haha. I spite you! I am ruggedly hansom, however hide this with my bangs as I do want to get things done, and do not appreciate getting jumped, well not all the time. Oh! I have said too much!

What color of face paint do you wear, or wish to wear, when going into combat?

Blue

Red

Green

Yellow

Purple

Orange

Brown

Black

White

Gold

Prefer not to wear any at all.

Prefer to wear it, although not necessarily visibly.

Answer: l)

Please write a sentence on what design you would wear it in, theoretically if you selected 8. k), to exemplify your skills in grammar, spelling, and sentence structure.

Answer: I would give myself a red uni-brow so that it would scare away and/or shock my opponents.

Please print your name in the space provided below. (If you cannot print, by all means use cursive. If your name is represented by a symbol of some sort, please ask my assistant at the front desk to make note and record of this.)

Answer: Tristan (Insert Unknown Middle and Last names here.)

Ok! So I have finally updated... as in I have found something else to make fun of. I was concidering writing tests for all of King A's friends/knight/peoples... urg... but I have other stuff to do... obviously like apply to university! AH! HATE IT! Sooo I obviously don't take credit for these characters yadda yadda yadda.

If you have any ideas for last/middle names for Tristan, it would be soooooo funny. I was going to name him Tristan Crumpets Tea. Tristan Tea. Lol. But if he actually has a "name", tell me. Please. Jolly well! Pip pip cheerio dawling!


	6. One Face of Many Arthurs: The Thinker

One day, Arthur sat pondering in his lush oversized futon, and decided that he was bored with this theocracy that he was running. He decided that it was time to turn over a new leaf, that his dictatorship as king was just not enough. He felt need for something more similar to the girth of 'Caesar'. He would get his land off its mighty arse and rule as a fascist Caesar, only they wouldn't call him Arthur Caesar, he would be known as Arthur Salad of all Britain. Men would quake at his name and at his dish. They would die of scurvy before touching a bowl of Caesar Salad!

Arthur chuckled to himself. He was being silly. How could one little man change such an old and strong system? Not that the change was necessarily that large… they would only have to add a few letters. Arthur scratched his balls; a nasty yet popular habit he had picked up from his knights.

No fascism just wasn't the right change for Britain. Arthur wanted a change that shouted "Ooof", "Ka Zam", and "P-O-W" all at once amid the "OOOOos" of orgasm.

Arthur decided to write down his ideas as he found it easier to express himself in pen than by speaking to the wall. As he picked out a journal, he opted for the green leather bound one, as he described it, "Red is sooooo like way communist."

This is what he wrote:

Dear Diary, or perhaps Journal (I shall discuss it with my royal scribe and get back to you A.S.A.P.),

I have been dealing with feelings of great turmoil. My mind is a boggle and I think that it is affecting my reproductive organs because I am in the mood for a nice long bath with scented candles and rose petals. Perhaps I will release Guinevere from her tower so that she may help me "release" some of these inner anxieties.

Anyways, the kingdom has not yet collapsed but I am soooo incredibly mad at mother for clogging up the lavatory last night. This morning I had my pants all in a twist because I had to use it. Well obviously I got over it as I am now writing to you. No one else would understand my feelings right now but you. Perhaps, if I were musical, I would like to express myself in song form, but I have given up the lyre because it dries up my hands and then makes it painful to practice fighting. Life is so hard! I hate it! Why is my life so hard?

But these are just the least of my problems. Here I sit; trying desperately to come up with a way to put new life into this government we so lovingly call theocracy. Theocracy is so Roman! I want to find a way so as to stand out from the crowd, to be ahead of the edge for once. Perhaps I will take up painting as a way to channel my creativity. I also hear that painting can be used for therapy. I will paint HUGE, MANLY mural on the barrack walls. I think that the barracks could use some more color, they get so depressing during these endless seasons of fog and more fog.

But Alas! I have strayed from my path! Theocracy no longer is able to quench my lust for more power. I no longer feel satisfied with the fact that everyone in my lands bow down and revere my presence, my shadow, even the footsteps I leave behind! Nay. I am exaggerating. But, this just goes to prove what I want.

'Till another Time,

King Arthur of England

P.S. I have been working on my handwriting. I think it has greatly improved since I have begun taking lessons from the new monk from Chesterfieldmeadowdaletown. The last monk just wasn't up to scratch on his calligraphy. He had to be hung well. Quite understandable and unfortunate of course, sadly, there was nothing at all that I could do to prevent it. After all, I am only King.

A/N. I hope everyone noticed the oodles and cadoodles of sarcasm in there! And by everyone, I mean my few loyal readers… I am taking great liberties by assuming that there is possibly even more than "one" reader. Latter Days! Keep on rocking in the free world right?


	7. One Face of Many Arthurs: The Immaculat...

Ok… I liked my last chapter so I think this one will be an excerpt from his journal again. If anyone remembers my previous portrayals of Arthur, this is an other making fun of him session.

Dear Diary,

Due into what has abruptly been thrown into this light which my life, which is that my people, my public, my servants, my wife, and even my bitchy old bat that makes my bed in the morning, or late afternoon, will have access to my dear dear diary. As a response to this new propaganda to make me appear as a normal everyday sort of guy, I have taken it in me to improve inner self through this experience. Much like on Newly Weds, I will still appear to be ridiculously hilarious, yet not too far fetched, even though Nick Lachey and I have oodles in common. You know this experience is somewhat similar to G. Bush giving an interview to People magazine, it's not a tabloid, so most of it would be considered relatively truthful.

Yes well this morning I woke up at 8 in the morning in my modest and humble little room in the east wing, not to be confused with my other little hovel called the west wing. After a scrumptious breakfast which I enjoyed with my beautiful wife and a family of dirt poor farmers from Bellowabovehaven, I stood perfectly still for two hours so that an artist could capture my true being and essence in a 8 by12 foot oil painting. It was very important to me that it appeared realistic and did not over expose nor exaggerate any part of me which is so common in society today. I have no six pack, no rippiling stomach muscles, no abs of steel, and no rock hard pectorals.

So right about now, the time would be about 11 when I finished with that. At 11 everyday until noon, lunchtime, mid day meal etc., I leave time for quiet reflection in which I enjoy myself at my own leisure without the help of any of my many followers, who are always soooooo eager to lend a helping hand.

As I previously noted, lunchtime was at noontime, which brings me to this, this time in which I have specially put aside so as to deal with paper work, including this journal. The time presently is approximately 1:43:50.

And now, I say adieu, to yeiu and yeiu and yeiu.

Yours forever,

King Arthur of Britain

Note: Editing by "Ye Ole English" English Spelling Specialists, Catchy Phrases by "Thee Three Thespians" retired acting troop with a flare for the dramatic, and Publishing by "Thyne King's Private nah Public Printing Press". Special thanks to the Queen. xoxo

A/Note: Hello hello Lads and lassies…. Ever notice how there are like no guy writers… it could be a conspiracy… it could make a good plot for my next up date… but if you want to shock me… then go ahead! FINE!!!


	8. A Befitting End to A Better Beginning

I would like to announce that I am ending this fic. It is the end, la fin, finito… etc.

I was writing a paper on why I'm agnostic and within it I touched on Britain as one of the greatest examples of the conflicts between church and state. I then realized how hypocritical and futile it is to write a satire based on the founding fathers of the English Empire, in which I mock everything I really dislike about government yet the irony is that this is what this government I am using to show it through ultimately becomes and creates.

I guess you could say that I had an epiphany.

I guess you could say that I have lost interest.

I guess I feel like a sell out. A writer of satire, whom in the end, is the butt of the joke.

It's all so disgustingly ironic.

Thank-you to my reviewers. I wouldn't want to go out any other way.

(Obviously if I suddenly become rather angry of creative I might just delete this all and deny ever posting it…. So just bear with the mood swings of an "author" who is given too much power and prefers to abuse it in small increments.)


End file.
